This is Where I Leave You.

As a child, the authorities in my life were so loud, I used comedy to calm them.

"Be good or God will get you," so I became a perfectionist.

I sat on the steps and waited, but he never showed.

She had me young, so I watched her live out what youth she had left while I stood on the sidelines.

Maybe if I do what he wants, he will love me.

He didn't.

You are too dark for us and too light for them.

I waited for his decision, but he chose her instead.

Maybe if I do not do or say the wrong things, he will not hit me.

I wondered why I was not like the other girls. I wanted them to accept me, so I went to a concert I knew I would hate.

I wish I had stayed home to read instead.

I ran until my body was lean, but it made the girls hate me more.

To make a stable home life for myself, I unknowingly married into chaos and disfunction.

I tried to make a happy home for him, but he threw the Christmas tree down the basement stairs anyway.

He cheated, so I switched careers to support myself.

I use the badge on my chest as a shield over my whole body. This is all you needed to know about me.

Sweet divorce.

I said, "Goodbye," to so many. Hearing 'Amazing Grace' on the bagpipes makes me nauseous.

My knight finally arrived, but my numbness made me blind.

God told me to soften. "O.K. Maybe just a little, but I am going to hold on to this heart of stone just in case."

God said. "You do not have to be perfect. I love you anyway." Could that be true?

Tiny fingers in my hand. If I get anything right in this life, it MUST be this.

Everyone tried to tell us how to raise them. Mind your business. Only God gets a say.

They judged me for being protective. Shut your mouth. You do not know the world you are living in.

"You are a Jesus freak now?"

"You are not Christian enough."

Passive aggressive comments about my weight by those who drink too much.

Looks of judgement. Gossip.

"Who does she think she is?"

"She does not deserve that."

"Look how much weight she has gained! "

"Everyone can see your sin when you are fat."

"You're a horrible daughter. You do not deserve love." You already taught me that as a little girl who sat waiting for you.

I'll be small, so they will love me.

I'll give them gifts, so they will love me.

I'll be quiet. I'll do this. I'll do that.

I can't do this anymore.

Maybe I will try to enjoy this life.

"Let's ignore her successes."

"Let's look for things wrong with her children."

They still do not love me. What will make them love me?

Nothing.

Nothing will make them love me.

So now I don't care.

I no longer care if you love me.

I am not bitter.

I am done.

Done!

I no longer need you to love me.

I no longer need your approval.

You would not give it anyway.

This is where I leave you.

So here I go.

Here I go.

Dust...